Health-wise, the latter half of this year has been frustrating, sometimes terrifying, and generally unpleasant. I've not posted publicly about it, but things seem to have settled into a stable pattern since the craziness that was September and early October. By crazy, I mean completely irrational mood swings--knuckle-biting anxiety, rage, and crushing depression--combined with extreme stroke-like symptoms on my left side (zombie walk anyone?). All that has diminished and disappeared as the feverfew has cleared my system.

I'm now back in the range of neurological symptoms that seem to fit with complex migraine (which I was diagnosed with 5 years ago). That, and the fact the latest MRI / MRA scans came back normal, has me much less worried that something degenerative is happening. I've been able to do more reading this month than in November, just as I could do more reading in November than in October (which is a relief); but the way things are now, overall, is not as good as where I was almost a year ago. 

Here's where things stand:

• The weather determines my mood and mind. Weather changes have always triggered migraine symptoms for me (including the stroke-like stuff on the left side), but now I only have a normal, symptom-free day when there is either a stable high pressure directly overhead or there is a front coming that's pushed up a higher pressure ahead of it. What's more typical is for symptoms to range from near-normal to moderately bad, with high pressure systems being better while lows and troughs are bad. Thankfully, severe symptoms are rare.
• Some degree of stupidity is fairly common. I can have trouble doing analytical work, doing trouble-shooting or problem-solving, comprehending what I'm reading, listening to, or watching, etc. Language trouble this month has not been as bad as Oct and Nov, but still happens--it's just milder.
• Mild depression is fairly common and often goes hand-in-hand with the stupidity, but is usually something I can cope with. I sometimes also become irritable and curmudgeonly--but that's solved by taking myself and Mr. Hyde into the library until it's over.
• I have not had the "that's not my hand / arm / leg" experience, relative to my left side, since October, but if I am having left-side symptoms, they can include trouble with fine motor control, grip strength, temple headache, and chest pains in addition to the usual crawling / tingly / numb sensations that rarely ever go away.
• I've had very few "senior moments" this month, but if the other symptoms get up into the moderate-to-severe range, my memory may be faulty, either in terms of recall at the time or in terms of recall later, after I've come back closer to normal.

In terms of how this affects me day to day:

• I'm still able to work and have been able to keep up with critical stuff at my job. Absences have forced me to delay some lower priority and even maintenance tasks, but I'm keeping my head above water there.
• At home, now that I have fewer volunteering commitments than a year ago, I've been able to spend time with my wife and daughters when I'm closer to normal and to retreat to the library as needed.
• On the volunteer front, I'm less involved than I was, but am generally holding down the fort rather than making new progress with the things I'm responsible for.
• I've all but given up on my Heathen amateur academic work. The frequency and unpredictability of symptoms, not to mention the difficulties with comprehension, make it difficult to sustain scholarly research over time. I've tried to persist in spite of the challenges, but there's just too much re-reading and re-work that has to be done when I'm coping with stupidity of varying degrees most days.
• Creatively, poems and stories still strike--I had one of each during one week in Nov, for instance--and I'm content to let them come when they do. But I'm reluctant to try working on the latest novel idea, for fear of getting tangled in re-work.
• Reading has been easier this month, but I've retreated into comforting territory: all things Tolkien. I've been re-listening to the unabridged audiobooks of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, learning the game system for The One Ring RPG, and writing up some adventures with the hopes of running a campaign (assuming I can force myself to near normal with caffeine and Advil on game nights). All of this lets me try a bit of analysis, a bit of research, a bit of creative writing, etc. without the fear of failure. With luck, I may even recover the confidence to tackle my scholarly work, or the novel, again once I see that I can do the necessary work in a context of play. If nothing else, obsessing on Middle-Earth is better than playing computer games over and over again--which is how I spent much of my free time in October and November.

Such is life these days. Not ideal, and often frustrating, but no longer scary.

Up next: I should find out the results of the 16 Dec neuropsych evaluation either later this month, when I see my neurologist's PA, or mid-January, when I see my neurologist again. Hopefully, early next year we'll hit on something that helps me get back to being normal more often and that, unlike the feverfew, doesn't do so while pushing the neurological symptoms to extremes. 


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